I’ve lost my job, I think…
My life is like the butterfly effect for fuck-ups except instead of a butterfly flapping its wings and starting a hurricane, it’s more like a hangover resulting in getting fired, a joke resulting in a lost friend or a hangover (notice any trends?) resulting in every piece of the puzzle shattering like an iPhone screen looking at a marble floor.
The irony of the whole situation is that losing the job that gives me money is only a strain because I have no money - go figure. When gainfully employed I throw money at people like it’s last season's Manolo Blahniks (hint: don't throw shoes at people - it hurts), resulting in upturning the couch for loose change and questioning the purchase of 1,000 white silk rose petals - True story/ embarrassing story / they haven’t arrived yet / I better fucking use them when they get here.
Anyway, I digress. No Job. No Money. Action Plan Needed. First stop, find out how to stop this from happening again. Second Stop, Alcohol? - No, won't help, eh… job board? Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve got the first part figured out anyway. I think.
The Fuck You Fund
This place that I used to go, called my place of employment, is not somewhere I enjoy spending my time but needs must and bills must be paid. Countless occasions have passed where I’d hide in the corner crying and think to myself. Fuck them - I’m Out. And then that bitch in the back of my brain would peek out and say but we have bills to pay. So I’d suck it up and keep going.
The fuck you fund is a safeguard for this. Imagine having enough money saved to give your employer the middle finger, without the fear of not making rent or cancelling that desperately needed waxing appointment.
The Fuck you Fund Equation
((Months Income x 3) + Enough Money for a massive blowout night out with friends.)
The Financially Savvy Fund
One day soon, probably last Wednesday, we are expected to be adults, women, dare I say it… grown ups. And one day, definitely in the future we’ll want to buy a house or a car, or invest in something or do something adulty with money. That;s what your financially savvy fund is for. It’s the boring money that you put away for grown up things. In all honesty, you won’t touch it, or even know what to do with it until you know what to do with it.
The Financially Savvy Fund Equation
20% of the cost of (how big do you want your mansion to be) - Oh, now all of a sudden that idyllic country cottage seems more your taste?
The Fun, Fun Fund
This is a good one. You know that ski holiday you’ve been planning for about 5 years or that trip to see Celine Dion in Vegas for your 30th (might be my plan, who’s askin’)? Yeah, that one. That comes out of this bucket. Maybe you want new gadgets for the house or to take a silversmith course or to learn how to strip yourself like a fiery vixen. All of those things that you always say you want to do but “never have the money, maybe some other time”. The Fun, Fun Fund makes these little, or big, expenses a guilt free reality.
The Fuck up Fund
So you sprained your ankle showing Beyonce via sexy hip-thrust/ ass gyrations who run the world and landed yourself in A&E. Now is not the time to decide it was a bad idea to buy the girls a bottle of vodka for the table. You have to pay the hospital and don’t need another bill coming through the letterbox to haunt you.
Put Simply the Fuck up Fund is for those unintended, unforeseen things that genuinely need to be paid for. No money in the fund? Looks like your car is getting tinted window via black bin liner until you get paid… at the end of the month.
And there we have it… While I have none of these in place. They’re my top priority if I still have a job or first thing on the list of to-do’s when I get a new one because financial blunders happen, more frequently when your me and after a few confusing hours I’ve managed to pull these together.
Stay Safe Ladies, you never know what’s gonna come up and you might just need one of my Four Foolproof Financial Fuck-up Failsafe Funds.