I suck at blowjobs. (for the first time in my life that pun actually wasn’t intended).
Telling someone they’re bad at any sexual act is comparable to kicking a puppy. It’s gut-wrenching, it hits the core of your being and it’s totally unnecessary. Bottom line - never tell someone they suck at anything.
I’ve been told a grand total of once that I give bad head and while it was said without malice and by way of a joke, it still simmers. It simmers because when I say I suck at going downtown in an oral fashion I don’t mean I’m bad at them. I mean I’m not great at them. I’m not great because in about 80% of cases I don’t do it for my own satisfaction.
My ex would hound me with all the grace of Mrs Doyle mixed with a whiny child. “ah, go ooooon”.
This, unsurprisingly put the “job” in blowjob. Going down became a guilt-riddled chore. “Well, it has been a long time” “I probably should”. “how can I say I enjoy sex or am a good sexual partner if I don’t?”
So what’s a girl to do?
I read a lot of sex-related blogs. Written by strong, feminist women who own their sexuality. They all love going down. Scenes set in the back of taxi’s, in gyms, in bedrooms, restaurants. Tales of lust, of wanting, of getting extremely turned on by the sheer thought of having a cock in their mouth. No groans of “do I have to?” No fear of not being skilled enough.
That's where I want to be. So I did what any self-flagellating woman would and looked through all the writers work in search of clues. What were these women doing so differently to me? Here’s what I found:
Own your Technique
Each writer wrote extensively on their craft. But regardless of the varying men, circumstances and locations their technique rarely differed. Some deep throated every time, others enjoyed being “facefucked”, some teased and taunted, others got straight to business. Like a calling card, they owned their style and not once did they apologise.
Practice makes Perfect
Not once did my heroines complain of cramped jaws. Never did they mention not wanting to. Pretty much every session, at some point, contained an oral chapter. And it makes sense. “To be the best one must endeavour to practice with intention as frequently as possible.”
Admirable, sex-positive women as they are, it took a while for it to click with me that they always kicked off the action. They weren’t doing it because they were being asked or expected to. They were doing it because the wanted to. Initiating gives you control. It’s all happening on your terms.
Probably the most important on the list. But never was an act of oral pleasing acted on without enjoyment. That’s a big deal to me. If you don’t want to. Say no. Sex is fun. I say this all the f*cking time. Why hasn’t that idea bled over for me?
Now, I know this seems simplistic. Because, well, it is. Sometimes, as in my case here, you have all the dots, you just never join them.
I can honestly say that the compliments I’ve received in the past were in response to work I was proud of. The ones that I initiated, that I wanted to give. The ones that I enjoyed, taking my time, doing what I wanted to do.
So that’s how I move forward.
What about you? have you ever been deemed bad at something sexual? how did you respond? Did you up your game or stay the course. Genuinely. I want to know.