We’ve all seen these posts floating around the interweb, popping up like braless nipples on a snow day. Advice to my younger self. Life lessons and wisdom from a pompous all knowing version of myself to a younger less pompous version. My eyes see the back of my skull every time I happen across the grandiose title in my newsfeed.
We’ve learned from the mistakes we’ve made. Don’t we just deserve a pat on the back and a Brandy? We didn’t learn too much from those who tried to warn us about the exact things we struggled with, but now we know better we must repeat the cycle and list for the next generation, the lessons and learnings they won't listen to.
In vain (or more so vanity) we martyrs try to stop those coming after us from fucking things up for themselves. It comes from a good place.
My 20-year-old self was the exception though. She was so insecure about herself that she’d take advice from any random stranger on the internet who knew how to piece together a blog. She took her worth from any outside source.
All about personal growth, being and getting better, I’d swallow anyones bullshit and life lessons. One or two nuggets have even been profound enough to stick with me. Over the years I’ve slowly filtered out the rest. The “love your life” emails aren’t as easy to filter out though.
Back then there weren’t any sex-related lessons, so today let’s put that kinky twist on it. I’m sure there’s a 20-year-old somewhere who’s ready to learn a few hard sexual truths before their time.
1. One Night Stands are Rarely as Fun as you Think They’ll Be.
In fact, you’ll come across many a man who can’t even get it up after a few too many drinks. This generally results in them lying about it being the first time it’s happened, leaving you telling them that “it’s no big deal, it happens to most” (strangely true) and you losing the orgasm you were really looking forward to with no ability to even get yourself off because now you have a houseguest.
Don’t get me wrong, learn that lesson while you’re young. Get it out of the way. But be warned, for every one night stand that meets the rough, carnal, primitive, lust-fuelled session you wanted when you chose your partner for the night you’ll deal with 3-5 who can’t do the deed.
Go the kink route, sober men who actually give a shit about your pleasure? That’s a no-brainer.
Which leads me to my next point.
2. Always Use a Condom
Play partners are fun. Have as much sex as your pretty little heart wants but take precautions. Let someone know where you’re going and who with. Have the number of a trusted taxi man on hand and always use a condom.
You’ll take the risk a few times in your life. It’s never worth it. The pill doesn’t work 100% and definitely doesn’t stop STIs. You’ve been lucky. But you freak the fuck out... every time. Killing that nervousness is worth the extra 10 seconds. Believe it or not, you’ll one day find the men who don’t ask if they can skip the condom more attractive.
3. You Deserve to Come Too
Sex is not just about him getting his rocks off. Both parties should and are entitled to have a good time. Remind the men in your life of that or tell them to move on. There actually are a whole ream of men who want to put the effort in to get you off. Push the others aside and go find these guys. They’re much more fun.
4. Your Tits Won’t Get Any Bigger.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news. I’m sorry. I know you know that one girl who didn’t grow them until she was 23. Unfortunately, that won't happen for you. So take off your bra now and learn to love them, they’ll be small for the foreseeable future. Men don’t care. In fact the more you meet the more you’ll be told that they don’t need to be big to be appreciated.
Set the girls free and let people play with your nipples, it feels amazing! Otherwise, you’re missing out on a huge part of foreplay.
5. No Man Validates You
Empty sex feels good in the moment, but the next day - not so good. The only person who can give you a sense of worth is you! Please learn that now and save yourself a lot of heartache.
6. He’s Not the One
Yep, the one you thought was the love of your life. At 20 your current boyfriend. You’ll break up and he’ll meet a girl. You’ll laugh at who it is. They’re getting married this year and you’re actually happy for him.
P.S the one after him, he’s not the one either.
7. There is No Knight in Shining Armour
Because you’re not a damsel in distress. Will you hit shitty times? Most definitely. But you’ll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and feel 100 times better for doing it on your own. You’re your own hero. You rock! Stop letting men get in the way.
8. Anal is Actually Enjoyable
But still, wait. The right person to teach and prep you for it is coming. The people who make it feel like a chore don’t deserve it.
9. Don’t be Afraid to Ask Questions.
If you’re not comfortable enough with the person you’re getting jiggy with to ask questions, should you really be sleeping with them in the first place? The sooner you ask questions the sooner you’ll become confident in your skills. And guess what? You’re young, you don’t need to know all the answers. Hell, I’m 27 and still asking a spate of sex-related questions.
10. No Means No
You’re going to get some pretty odd requests over the next few years. Never feel like you can’t say no. You’ve pretty good taste in men, trust that. While certain men may be upset with your not wanting to participate in something, they won’t hate you for it either. And if they do, you’ll feel all the better for not obliging.
Here’s the thing though. I know my 20-year-old self inherently knew all these things. So really I’m just telling her to listen to her gut. But for all you young ones out there looking to learn a few hard truths before your time, I hope this helps.
And for the auld ones… How about you? What would you tell your 20-year-old self that would help their dating/sex life?