How to Overcome the Fear of Dirty Talk

Sometimes dirty talk seems more like awkward talk. Uncomfortably staring at your partner like a deer in headlights, tongue like a lead sack, eyes darting in every direction foraging through the blank slate that is your mind. 

Anything. Anything at this point is better than nothing. "What should I say? Do I even know English anymore?"

Yeah, baby… eh, so... fucking, I mean… yeah”

Because it’s hard! What to say when you’re about to get freaky is about as easy to comprehend as why the person who’s standing in front of you wants you to talk dirty. 

Dirty talk needs to be personalised to your partners' tastes and proclivities. For that reason, I can’t tell you what to say. More offer guidelines so you’re on the same page as your partner.


There are Levels of Dirty Talk

Hollering “suck daddys fat cock, you cum hungry slut” isn’t going to do much if her version of dirty talk is a simple “God, I love how wet you get when you know I’m coming for you”.

You definitely don’t want your mumblings to be a buzzkill or worse still offensive. So think about the things you do with your partner. How far are we going here? Ask them to be honest or respond to your utterings. 

Figure out where on the spectrum they lie. Do they want instructions, feedback, imaginings? Or would they prefer to be degraded or maybe just complimented? Pay attention to how they react when you say certain things.


Try Texting First

If you’re truly terrified you’ll blurt out the wrong thing. Start with a line or two in a less vocal format. Texting makes it a two-sided conversation. You say something, they respond. There’s less stage fright when you’re speaking to a screen and you can edit before you send it.

Again, start slow before you ramp it up. Dip your toe in before going balls deep. 

Can’t wait to see you later, hope you’re ready for some fun.”

“I’m not wearing knickers to dinner tonight, just so you know”

“Still sore from last night, Thank you ;)”

“Be ready when I get home, can’t wait to get my hands on you.”


Start with Noise in General

Rarely do we notice how quiet things are when we’re getting jiggy. It’s built in from our days of sneaking around as teenagers and living with others as young adults. When’s the last time you moaned out loud in the bedroom?

If the only sounds of P in V time are of the squelching and squeaking variety. Start with moaning before you move on. Build your sex vocabulary, word by word.  “mmmm”, “oh yeah”, “dear god yes”, “please baby, don't stop”, “fuck you’re good at that”. 

The one-liners are endless but it helps to adapt slowly as opposed to going from complete silence to a full-tilt Shakespearian play complete with innuendos and incestuous references. 

(Find my thoughts on noise in the bedroom here)


What You Want and What You Like

Pre-sex = What you want 

During = What you like, what you’re enjoying

Post-sex= what you liked, want to do again, want to do differently.


Pre Sex

I want to fuck you so bad, right now” is generally responded to with a positive or a question. “Yeah?” or “What do you want to do?”

That leads you to a descriptive phase. “I want to x,y,z”. “I want you to be begging me for more” “I want to hear you moan”

“I want your head between my legs.”

“I want my head buried between your legs.”

“I want to work your clit until you can’t take anymore.” 

“I want to bend you over and press your head into the mattress.”

Whatever. Just remember. I want. They generally all start with I want.



Tell them what you like. 

Pay attention to the details. So “I love your tits” becomes. “I love how hard your nipples get in my mouth.” And “I love your pussy/cunt/vagina” becomes “I love how wet you get, knowing what I’m about to do to you”.

“I love the curve here (trace it) from your waist up and over your hip.” 

“I love biting your lip when we kiss”

“I love how your cock gets hard in my mouth.”

“God, I love the feeling of having you inside me.”


Use different senses

“I love how good you smell”

“I love the sound you make when I go down on you.”

“I love hearing my pelvis hit off you”

“I love how full I feel when you’re inside me”

“Your pussy clenching around me is the best feeling ever”.

“You taste delicious.”


Questions Help

Do you like that?”

“You like the way I pull your hair while I’m fucking you?”

“You like the way I hit your pelvis like that?’

Do you like…[Insert appropriate thing]?

Whatever. It’s enjoyable because you’re saying things that you’re “not supposed to”.

And my personal favourite to take the heat off you.

“What do you want me to do to you?”



“Bend over.”

“Touch yourself.”

“Take your clothes off.”

“Hands above your head.”

“Touch me.”

“close your eyes.”

Small instructions they may be. But taking charge and telling your partner what to do can be such a turn on and it’s so easy to implement.


After - Discuss

You’re lying there in a post-coital haze. All is well in the world. Barriers are down, you’re both extremely relaxed. Use this time well. It doesn’t need to be an in-depth analytical study of what just went down (or who).

But a lilting chat, highlighting your favourite bits. It’s good for feedback and great for getting comfortable talking about sex. 

“I love the way you lifted my legs over your shoulders.”

“Hearing you moan is such a turn on.”

“You’re so good at doing that thing with your tongue.”

“I don’t care where you learned to do that but we’re doing it again.”


Be Mindful


Not everyone likes to be called a sexy bitch. not every woman want’s her lady

bits referred to as a cunt. If your partner doesn't like swearing it doesn’t mean dirty talk is out the window, it’ll just be a bit more reserved.



Just because you’re loving what you’re saying doesn’t mean it’s doing the trick for your partner. Check-in. It shows respect and doesn’t detract from the mood (unless they’re 3 seconds from orgasm)



Now that you’ve done your research you may have a more extensive vocabulary. Make sure your partner knows what you're talking about and is happy for you to use the terms. 


Pet Names

Not everybody wants to be pet or daddy or cum slut. Take it easy at first, build up and always check that your other half is okay with it. 


And Have Fun

Dirty talk isn’t life or death. Overanalysing is what’s filling you with dread. Say what you feel and see how it goes. If nothing else you can say that you tried, failed and had a good laugh.

It’s a flexible thing that can be a starter main course or dessert. A great way to experiment and push your boundaries in the bedroom. 

Try it. If it’s not for you, it’s not. But I’ve a funny feeling it will be.