Get Yourself Off (A Masturbation how to For Women)

Okay ladies. Real talk. Getting handsy with yourself. An important part of any womans sexual repertoire. A much needed tool when the deed is done on one side of the dynamic. And in reality - a really fucking good time without the need for post orgasm conversation (the introverts dream). 

I’ve been told that there’s women out there who don’t/can’t/won’t play with themselves or have tried once or twice and just didn’t see what all the fuss is about. That to me is madness, and not seeing what the fuss is about? Let’s dig in. 

So let’s get two things out of the way first.

  1. You are not lonely/sad/pathetic/hopelessly single because you play alone

  2. Your schools sex-education/fear-mongering did not teach or equip you with the appropriate knowledge.

Remember this graph?



Words like labia minora and mons pubis are not terms that are used outside of a doctors office and if your doctor is good (like mine) he doesn’t use them either.

Where did they tell you feels good to touch?

Yeah. Anyway.


Let's start with Prep

I don’t know about you. But I feel a bit awkward lying in bed, alone, in silence with the single goal of “exploring my vagina”. It’s not a chore, it’s not a standard thing that “has to be done”. And with articles out there telling you to set the mood by lighting a candle or having a bath, it makes me feel even odder. It’s masturbation, not a seance. 

To start we want to make sure you're comfortable. So yes, if a bath before bed is your thing - go for it. If shaving your legs makes you feel better about it then do it. If your housemate is rearranging the furniture in the room next to yours maybe wait till he’s finished. 

This time is, very genuinely for you. So, especially if you’re feeling awkward about it, wait until a time you won’t be interrupted and aren’t distracted. 

My neighbour is a massive fan of unnecessarily cutting his grass just at the time I’m trying to get off. I’ve learned to deal with it. But in the early days. Undisturbed is best.


First Obvious Statement

You want to be turned on. Many, many ways to achieve this. Sometimes the hormones align in just the right way. Othertimes they need a helping hand (see what I did there?).


Introduce Some Lube

Ladies, when aroused, get… you guessed it. Wet. Adding some lube early in the game tricks your mind into thinking you’re already turned on. KY jelly is pretty much purpose built for this but if you don’t have any to hand, oils can do the trick.

Coconut, vegetable, canola  - just remember they can get messy and stain clothing and sheets, you’ll probably need a shower afterwards too. And then the old reliable of spit or saliva. quick, easy and always available.


Have at it Anyway

Some women prefer a more abrasive masturbation session. You’ll know pretty quickly how you feel about a dry session.


Watch some Porn

Porn sites aren’t just for men. Every kink and arousal point is catered to. Think about your fantasies. What are you curious about? Start there. And remember your masturbation time is alone time. So there’s nothing wrong with you if you want to indulge in some consensual non-consent porn. Forced orgasms, gay porn, orgies, babysitter fantasies, vampires, feet. There are videos for everything because everybody is into something and that audience is catered to.

(My favourite is


Use Your Imagination. 

Dear God, if my manager knew what I do to him in my head, I’d die of mortification. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. At the same time, porn can be too scripted, or you can’t find the right video, or the girl is clearly faking it… whatever. Your imagination can do no wrong. Let it run wild. Pick your favourite celeb. Imagine the things you want them to say and do. And then what happens when the lights start to dim? That’s what you want to know.



Read something erotic, not as long form as a novel but has some great submissions ranging from a page in length to full tilt 20-page stories that can last you multiple play sessions. 


Listen again has a great array of aural pieces where you can listen to people tell stories, talk to you or just plain jerk off into a microphone (surprisingly hot when you’re in the mood). Gael Force is a guy I can’t stop listening to. He’s husky and deep and listening to him with headphones is pure, unadulterated heaven.


toys or no toys?

Now that we’re revved up and ready to go. We’re going to toss the phone/iPad/laptop aside and get down to business.

Again a personal preference. Most advise you start with your hands. We’re learning about ourselves, our bodies, our sexuality and sexual preferences. If you don’t have toys to hand your decision is made. If you do - it’s up to you. 

I love love love getting off with some form of a toy, but I’ve done the hand based exploring. Sometimes to switch it up, I ’ll go back to battery-operated-device-free playing.



God, there’s a lot of prep. But this is the second last step before we get down and dirty with ourselves (except it’s not dirty. It's normal, healthy, clean, pleasurable fun) The more you play, the more choosing what props to use, what position to take and what kind of arousal you want will become second nature. You just do it. Like putting toothpaste on your brush. You don’t think about it, you just do it every time you brush your teeth. 

Switching up your position is fun. 8 times out of 10 I’m on my back with my legs spread. I rarely stand but stomach and all fours are pretty fun. 

Try them all. See what works for you.


Lying down

On your back, legs spread. Knees bent or legs flat on the bed. How far you spread your legs is up to you. Switch it up and see. 


On Your Stomach

Fairly self-explanatory. Squeeze your arm down under your body to your play area and notice the difference in sensations when your arm is more restricted.


Standing up

I think this one is for the adrenaline junkies. It’s harder work and there’s always the fear that you’ll fall as your legs start to weaken as the pleasure builds. 



Cross legged or on a chair. Some prefer to be more vertical when they play. Try it out and see what you make of it.


On All Fours

Like doggy style but alone. Definitely my favourite, second to being flat on my back. Just another variation. You don’t know till you know.


And last thing before we dive in

Don't Put Pressure on yourself.

You don’t have to orgasm the first time. The aim of the game may be to get there but masturbation at this point is about pleasure. 

Oh, who am I kidding? It’s all about the orgasm. But it won't necessarily happen the first time. So no pressure, with enough practice exploring and playing you’ll get there. I promise. 


The exploring bit

The meat and potatoes. The bit that we all came for. But where do you actually touch? What do you actually do? The answer is (of course, again) personal preference. If you don’t have one yet, that’s where you play around and explore. This section is all about the business. Where and what.

If you find one you like. Stick with it for a while. But don’t ignore the rest. At least try or experiment. Better to have multiple ways of getting off than just the one. 



If you don’t know where it is, go back to the diagram in the school section. it’s below the “mons pubis, and above the "urethral opening". 

In landscape terms put your hand between your legs, touch your finger off the opening of your vagina and slide your finger up between your lips until you hit a small bump. Your clit is extremely sensitive (over 8,000 nerve endings) and has a “hood” when you’re turned on this hood pulls back for more stimulation.

Spend a few minutes playing with your clit. Test different strokes, switch up the speed, vary the amount of pressure. Try circling your clit with your finger(s). See if you like it best with one finger, then try two, 3, 4 and even just rubbing the palm of your hand across it. 

Some studies say the best stroke is horizontally across your clit. 11-5 on the clock if your right handed and 1-7 if you’re a lefty. Tim Ferris did a masterclass in female pleasure and found that the upper right quadrant of your clit stimulated with short, quick, light strokes works best (kinda like your finger is vibrating)

But you can try (with any number of fingers) 

a circular pattern. 

up and down,

side to side.


rubbing around the clit, without any direct contact.


Labia or Lips

Again look at the diagram if you don’t know. Often ignored and literally pushed aside, the lips of your vagina have nerve endings too. Trickle the pads of your fingers the full length of them and notice if you get aroused. Slide your fingers over them. Rub with different amounts of pressure. Pull gently on them or pinch them together softly around your clit - or just in general. 

We’re experimenting here. Learning what we like. 



The bit where the penis/dildo/fingers/tampon go. Your vagina is technically the bit that’s inside you. You can’t see it. 

This may be your area of play if you’re a penetration girl. Again, play around. Test the pressure, the number of fingers you enjoy and the speed at which you penetrate yourself. 

Rub around the opening and tease yourself. 

Rotate your wrist to rotate your fingers. 

Use your fingers. Stroking, applying pressure with the pads of your fingers. Or rubbing in circular motions. 

Play with the different internal “spots”


G Spot

About 2-3 inches inside your vagina, so for those of you as mathematically deficient as me it's around two knuckles in. On the top wall of your vagina. So if your palm is facing upwards the pads of your fingers should be on your G-spot. 

Known by many as the orgasm centre (after the clit of course) your G-Spot only shows up when you’re aroused. It feels almost dimply or waved. Like the palate of your mouth - but softer. So don’t worry if you cant find it.  


C Spot

Basically the entrance to your cervix. At the far end of your vagina. Toys will be needed to stimulate this spot. And there's really not much you can do other than touch it, or rub your toys off it. So far in the variety of stimulation is limited but that doesn’t make it any less fun to play with.


A Spot

Found your G Spot? Okay. Move your fingers in further. Same upper wall, just further in. Not as pleasurable as the G Spot. But hey - it’s there, why not play? It could be your spot.



Yep. It’s on the masturbation list… because it feels good. 

Similar to the vagina. Speed, pressure and how many fingers. That’s what we’re trying to figure out here. 

Just remember. Your ass doesn’t self-lubricate so use something to wet that bad boy up. Also bear in mind, if you’re going to be inserting things that aren’t your fingers, that unlike your vagina your anal cavity doesn’t have an end point. Things can get stuck in there.

Start with the outside. Use a well-lubed finger to massage the skin around the opening. Run your finger across it. Use some light pressure in the centre of the opening, without putting your finger inside you. Pay attention to the sensations. What do you like about it? 

When you’re ready to insert your finger, don’t point or poke. Instead, place the pad of your finger against the anus and use a steady, light pressure. If you’re struggling or too tense, bear down. It’ll relax the muscles and aid insertion. Don’t shove your finger the whole way in.

Take your time. Go a knuckle deep and let your body adapt to the new sensation. When you’ve adjusted, then, you can go deeper. Just inside the opening has the most nerve endings, further in responds well to pressure and feeling full. Again, experimentation will lead you to which you feel is better.

Play around with the movement. Slowly thrusting your finger in and out. Taking it out completely and starting again.

Keeping it in and thrusting (slowly) to different depths.

Putting pressure on the internal walls of your anus (always use the pads of your fingers never your nails).

Gyrate your finger(s), Rotate your wrist so your fingers are rotating inside you.

Add additional fingers (and lube). Or toys - but always make sure your toys have a flared base or you’ll be having an awkward conversation with the A&E Triage Nurse. 

With anal play, the best game is to start small and increase slowly. You’d be surprised how accommodating your anal cavity can be.


U Spot

Basically the soft, wet, fleshy part between the opening of your vagina and your clit. Same thing as all the rest - Vary the pressure and speed. Play around with how many fingers you like. Let your fingers roam. There’s no issue if your fingers veer off course and stay a while playing with your clit before heading back from some U-Spot love. Or take a sharp turn to run up and down your labia. 


Erogenous zones

Outside of the space between your legs, there are certain areas of your body that can drive you wild. Nipples are a given. Rub, pinch, squeeze, lightly flick. Lube them up. Experiment.

Other areas you might find enjoyable are behind your knees, along your knicker-line. Your entire breast. The back of your neck. Any part of your body can be an erogenous zone. Half the fun is figuring out where they are.


And that’s the story folks.

Play, experiment, try. Do it again and again. Nothing on this page is weird or wrong. We each have our own triggers and things that get us off. Some combination of the above should bring you to orgasm. All you have to do is figure out which bits. The practice is a fuck-ton amount of fun.