I didn’t recognise it at first. Not as I was doing it. Not for weeks after. I had put pictures of my naked breasts on the internet(!) On my fetlife profile to be more precise.
It bowled me over. Not only had I taken pictures of them. But I had put them out there for all the fetworld to see. I thought the pictures were hot. (I still do). But realising that I had come so far in accepting their size was huge for me.
I’ve always been flat chested. My teen years were spent praying that puberty would give me more than unwanted hair and a week of blood a month. My hips spread - but the top half of me, as much as I wanted it, never grew.
Push up bras were bought like my life depended on it. I secretly bought and religiously swallowed those crappy supplements that are supposed to make them grow. I massaged them nightly, I swapped to numerous different contraceptive pills and nothing.
As teen me grew into tween me I refused to show anyone. I never took my bra off. Not for anyone. Not even for myself. No one could ever know the truth.
When you hate the size of your breasts. You scrutinise yourself. You want to be happy in your body and confident in yourself but you nit-pick. You stare at your imperfections thinking if you just stare long enough they might disappear (or grow).
That’s the image your brain has. That you’re “less than” because puberty didn’t bless you with a more voluptuous top half.
And this is the crux of the issue. We’ve repeated these thoughts to ourselves so many times we regard them as facts. We’re looking at the (bra) cup as half empty. And believing that it’s empty. The Cup is Not Empty.
Belief is A Repeated Thought
Our minds create beliefs from the inputs it’s given. The thoughts we think. The things we say to ourselves and the actions we take. Collecting each and every piece information in a storehouse. Every time we give our brain a new piece it puts it away with all the rest creating a bigger and stronger belief.
Our brains also like to be right. So we’re constantly scanning our environment looking for information to prove to ourselves that our beliefs aren’t wrong.
Back in the days of hating my breasts.
I wore a bra 24/7. I wouldn’t look at them. They were hidden from everyone including myself.
I would wear a t-shirt over my bikini. And I’d never wear a bikini unless it was an underwired, push-up one.
I wouldn’t touch them unless I was pulling them up in my push-up bra to make them look bigger.
Every time I caught a glimpse, I’d feel disgusted. Like I was less of a woman because they weren’t bigger.
During masturbation sessions, I’d ignore them.
During sex, I’d leave my bra on and stop men from pulling at it to get to my nipples.
I’d stare in envy at women with bigger breasts and judge women with smaller breast for their poor choice in clothing.
Imagine what all those actions would bring my mind to believe. How those thoughts and intentions would affect my self-image. All these tiny, seemingly unrelated activities were storing up in the “I have horrible, small boobs” bank.
So how do you learn to accept these things? How do you change how your mind sees you and the different aspects of your body?
do the opposite.
Give your brain the inputs and signals that show it you accept your breasts as they are.
Touch them when you’re playing with yourself.
Override the nerves and embarrassment when with a partner and let them touch and play with them. Lean into the sensations.
Wear things that show you’re proud of them.
Take your bra off when you’re going to bed.
When you look in the mirror you acknowledge them. Appreciate them.
Use the word “but” every time you catch yourself saying anything negative. Finish with a positive.
“God, I hate that my boobs are so small.” “but at least I don't have to spend a serious amount of money on bras.” Or “I can wear sweetheart necklines easily” Whatever turns the negative into a positive. Even just finish with “but I love them anyway because they’re mine.”
It seems silly. Like it won’t make a difference. But each “but” is a vote for acceptance rather than booby negativity.
It won’t change overnight
The old belief has been built up over years. The new one is tiny. It’s going to take a lot of time and repetition to change it over. Slip ups will happen. But with time, repetition and practice you’ll find you no longer berate yourself. You’ll actually come to accept being in the itty bitty titty committee.